One Year of Annabelle

My sweet Annabelle,

One year ago, we became a family of three. Today is your first birthday but also the best anniversary I could ever imagine. 

365 days ago we met for the first time, but it felt like I had always known you. When they placed you on my chest I could barely see you since I was lying flat. But I could see your little profile and hear your little humming sounds. I just kept saying hi baby. Hiiii you're so pretty. Hii. Tears. More tears. 

When they told me they had to take you to the nicu I felt my heart break into a million pieces. I knew you would be ok, but I had waited so long to meet you, I didn't want you to go anywhere without me. 

365 days later, we haven't spent very much time apart. And I wouldn't change that for anything. (Although if you feel like sleeping in the crib every now and then I'd be ok with that). 

Watching you grow has surely been life's greatest gift. Watching you grow into a strong, confident, now-running, babbling, silly little girl.. Watching your mind work and analyze and learn. I am in awe of you every day. 

Knowing that your daddy and I are responsible for showing you how to be a good person, how to be kind and sweet and pushing you to learn and explore is an unbelievable gift. I can only imagine what you will bring to this world, knowing what you have brought to our world in such a short time. I am so thankful for you, my sweet girl. Sometimes I am so scared for you. I know what people can be like, what the world can be like. Deep down I know I cannot shelter you from everything, but I know I can give you love. Love so strong and the knowledge that you are never alone. You will always know how loved you are. You will always have arms to run to, a home to return to, parents that love you unconditionally. 

And I know that where I fall short, your sweet daddy will shine. Maybe between the two of us, we won't screw up too badly. 😂  

How lucky you are to be loved so much. How lucky we are to get to love you. Not just any baby girl, our sweet Annabelle. 

Happy first birthday my girl. May all your dreams come true. We'll start simple with cuddles and cupcakes, a birthday crown, and some presents. And as you get bigger, may your dreams grow with you. Daddy and I will do whatever we can to make them all come true. 

January 6, 2016

When it seems impossible to love you more, I do. 

Daddy's Girl

It's a running joke between Danny and myself that I only married him for physical caveman reasons. He's handsome, healthy & strong, I knew he would be the perfect 'mate' & let's just say I'm not upset Annabelle looks so much like him. 

The truth is that he is a phenomenal husband. He has always treated me with sweetness. He's truly my best friend. He listens to me ramble on and on, offers advice but in the end has supported every decision I've ever made. He picks his battles, letting me get away with a large amount of brattiness before he reminds me that I'm being ridiculous. He never lets a day go by without telling me I'm pretty (even right after giving birth) -- He's a terrible liar so I can tell that somehow, some way he actually believes it. I don't always deserve to be loved the way he loves me but I am grateful every day. 

Then came Annabelle. I knew he would love her. I knew he would be sweet. I never expected his presence in her life to reach the capacity that it has. He is an unbelievable father. He is hands-on with everything -- he has dealt with some massive poop episodes without complaint. He is the master at rocking her to sleep. He is soothing to both of us when she cries. He makes me a better mother. Most of all, he is hopelessly and madly in love with her. 

I've heard a lot of women complain that their husbands don't know what to do, or they can't handle the baby etc. I can honestly say that it puts my mind and heart at ease knowing she is with him when I'm not home. I'm not worried in the least. 

Annabelle's biggest smile of the day is when she sees her daddy for the first time when he gets home from work. She lights up around him and he lights up around her. My heart might explode one day just observing them. 

I have high standards for fathers. I myself had an amazing one who to this day I still secretly believe knows everything about everything. He has always supported me, even during times he didn't necessarily agree with me. I've always known I was loved, and that's a sense of safety that nothing else can bring. To know you always have a home to come home to. It made me feel safe enough to go out into the world. I truly think it makes a huge difference in a child's life, and in some ways, even more so in a little girl's life. I'm so glad that Annabelle will know my father as her Papa. All of his qualities as a dad plus the wisdom & perspective that comes with already having raised me. She will get the best parts of him & that makes me smile.

I can't help but feel sad knowing she will never know Danny's father, Michael. Danny talks about him often. He has such pride and admiration for who his father was as a person and as a dad, and so many happy memories are wrapped in traditions that his father started. Danny loves cooking a big weekend breakfast & is determined to (someday) make French toast as well as his father always did. Having never met Michael for myself but knowing how much Danny loves him, I can't help but feel like I'm missing out, too. 

And then there's the Za Za Annabelle will never get to meet. "Papa bear Fisher", Danny's best friend's father, Jeff, who he was lucky enough to grow up with, passed away less than two months before Annabelle made her appearance on earth. He was a truly amazing man who I am grateful to have known even for a short time and the closest thing to a father-in-law for me. Danny and I were so excited for Annabelle to grow up having him in her life & I don't think it's truly hit us that that won't happen. Most of all, I am so thankful that Danny had him in his life for as long as he did. (Their entire family, for that matter). Although Annabelle never got to meet him, he did talk to (and lovingly shake up) my belly when I was VERY pregnant, so I like to think she heard his voice then. 

It might sound strange but whenever Annabelle is on her changing table she starts babbling and giggling. She's done it since she was a few weeks old. We can never understand what she's looking at or what catches her eye, but something up there gets her very excited. We always say it's her angels talking to her & telling her silly things. It makes my heart happy every time. 

She is surrounded by love. 

As I've gotten older and especially as I've transitioned into motherhood, I've realized even more so what's truly important in this life. I know how I want Annabelle to grow up. I know what values I want her to see as important. I know what I want to protect her from. I've realized that life is too short. It doesn't give us a choice of who we get to keep and who gets taken away, but we can choose how we want to live; who we want to surround ourselves with. Danny & I are lucky enough to have so many wonderful people that our daughter will be lucky to know. For the ones she won't, we will tell her about them & keep them a part of her life. 

Today marks Danny's very first Father's Day. I truly believe he was meant to be a father... Meant to love our little girl. I feel so lucky that he chose me to do that with. He chooses us every single day, in all the little ways he puts our little family first. 

Happy Father's Day, sweet Danny. Happy every day. Annabelle & I love you more than words. 

Remember This

"The days are long but the months are short." I've never heard a truer statement. There are rough days when I'm so tired of the routine, so physically exhausted and I have to remind myself how fast time goes. How much Annabelle has already changed in 5 short months.. How much she changes from week to week. She's so aware of the world. All she wants to do is explore -- sit up, grab (and bite) everything. Every sound, she has to see where it's coming from... From Simba's tail against the floor to the vacuum to music to our voices. It is amazing how much her brain is working each and every minute. 

It's easy to go into survival mode. Ok how long until the next nap? How long until Daddy gets home? The weeks go by with a blur. And I get angry at myself for sometimes wishing moments away (Just fall asleep already!). Or "I can't wait until she can...". 

But there's always something to remind me to never take this time for granted. Sometimes tiny little moments -- watching Annabelle sleep, or smile at her Daddy...

Then there are moments that make me stop. Moments that make my heart swell, and the world stand still for just a few seconds. Moments where these words repeat over and over in my mind: "Remember this. Laci, remember this. Burn it into your memory... LOOK HOW LUCKY YOU ARE." 

Two nights ago, Danny was washing dishes, Pandora was playing island tunes, and Annabelle refused to be put down. Danny and I always used to dance in the kitchen while we made dinner, or randomly. He'd often spin me around and it would drive Simba insane. 

Then this song came on:

I say hey, I'll be gone today

But I'll be back all around the way

It seems like everywhere I go

The more I see, the less I know

But I know one thing

That I love you (baby girl)

I love you, I love you, I love you

Annabelle started laughing at Danny dancing around the kitchen, while I took her hand and danced around with her. The three of us danced together and sang the entire song with big smiles. (Poor Simba circled around us, not sure what to make of this.). If someone had been looking in the window they would probably think we were nuts. We were all-smiles and I couldn't help but feel complete. It may not sound like much, but it's hard to find the words to explain. It was like the love between Danny and I had reached a new level and come full-circle. Nothing else mattered. Not only are we madly in love with each other, we are madly in love with our girl.. Our life together. 

I wished for time to slow down. Dancing in the kitchen. I know Annabelle won't remember it, but I believe she knows she is loved and that's all I can ever wish for her. 

365 Days of You

1 year ago today i stared in disbelief at two little pink lines. And then another set. And then another... For weeks after the pregnancy was confirmed I took more tests. I was so afraid of believing it. Of getting excited. It seemed too fast, too easy & I was so scared of losing you. You were already a you, to me. The moment I confirmed your existence, you were you. And I was someone completely different. I was a mother.

Your daddy & I talked about what you might be like. He laughed at me for believing so strongly that you were a girl. 50/50 chance he said. . . But I knew. 

We talked about saying goodbye to our lazy Sundays; our lazy everythings, really; our spontaneous trips; our late night dinners. But so quickly the conversation turned to how amazing it would be to have you join us. It's hard to explain, but you were never just a baby, Annabelle. You were always unique, irreplaceable, specific. I could feel "you" for so long before we actually met. You were always my girl. You were always Daddy's proudest accomplishment. You were always our third adventurer. Although it would be almost 9 months until you joined us on earth, 1 year ago today, two became three. We love you sweet girl. 

Three

A warm, chubby hand grabs my cheek. Her eyes still closed, she sometimes reaches her tiny arm upward for me, feeling my face, making sure I am still there, that it's still me holding her. It's 4 am and I can't help but smile. I never knew I could love anything or anyone so much. She is so new yet so known to me. The moment she was placed on my chest I remember looking down at her and saying "hi". It was like being reunited with a piece of myself.

She's getting longer and heavier and squirmier these days and co-sleeping has turned into very little actual sleeping for this mama. "Time to get her in the crib", they say. "I can't believe you let her sleep with you all the time", they comment. The bassinet in the corner, the Rock and Play, the crib -- all being used for some other purpose than they are designed for -- to hold folded laundry, blankets, strewn about stuffed animals. And all of my pediatric training, all the advice I myself have given new moms, fades away. 

I've stopped trying to defend it. Our half-asleep dance of nursing and cuddling is sacred to me. Hearing her breathe, feeling her every movement, encircling my arms around her. In my heart I can't help but think, it won't be long that I can hold her like this; I won't always be able to wrap my arms around her and keep her safe, and keep her happily dreaming. I won't always have this ability and I know there will be days in the future where I will wish I still could. I imagine no matter how old she gets I will feel this way. It makes me wonder, did my own mother think like this? When she saw me hurt or sad or sick did she wish for this power back?

It is magic... To be able to hold her and guard her all night. When she cries out in her sleep I can comfort her with a simple sssshush and a pat on her tush. To look down at her innocent face, those precious pouty lips, those puffy cheeks, and marvel at her beauty in the dark. To look over at my husband, with the same pouty lips and know.. Feel... how lucky I am. Three months of this. Three of the shortest, longest months ever. Three months of a daily reminder of how blessed I truly am. 

We will start getting her to sleep in her crib (or at least start the night there), but I know for as long as I live I will cherish these moments, and a part of me will always yearn for these nights. 

Dear Annabelle, 

I promise, no matter where you sleep or where you go, you can always be sure that I am here. 

Sweet dreams, my girl.